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RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men
are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a
Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're
a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You I Love You" drunken phone call
and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
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SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
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MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females
can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is
why high school romances rarely work out.
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MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy
and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on
at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter
from women.
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BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
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GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to
the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in
his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on "The
Beverly Hillbillies." Of course, this will not stop him from going to
the 10-items-or-less lane.
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CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
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OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man
is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man
will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
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LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always
expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth
perpetuated by re-runs of old American sitcoms.
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EATING OUT: When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each
throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will
have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
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MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women
are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
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MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature
and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a
man provokes a uniform reaction: he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy
French cap, and leather driving gloves. Then he goes shopping for a
Porsche.
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RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous
way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works at the health club and dates only married women.
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TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age
of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession
with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature
TV's; car phones; complicated juicers and blenders; graphic equalizers;
small robots that serve cocktails on command; video games; anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 D" batteries to operate.
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LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know
football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate
stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex.
And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.
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MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man. Men will only show their asses, because ass size
doesn't really matter.
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JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with
wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like
a lounge singer named Ramone.
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TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's assuming the same concept of time as when a man says the football
game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs,
commercials, or replays.
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FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the
Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"
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RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in restrooms will never speak a word to
each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling
together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a
man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was
just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
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